Reflecting

It's amazing how quickly a trip to Sudan fades into the surreal and how yet how easily it all comes back. On the one hand, seeing Jim at church this morning I could hardly believe we'd just been in Africa together for most of three weeks, but on the other hand, the chorus of 'welcome home' from St. Timothy's took me back to the warmth of Lui and the greetings of the people there for our diocese. And every morning when I awaken at 4 because my body thinks it's noon, a part of me is still in Africa.

Sitting in church this morning I was thinking about how much less keenly I felt the presence of God in Lui on the May trip than I did in December and wondering why. This is nothing unusual, of course; my sense of the presence of God waxes and wanes anyway, as I imagine it does for most of us. I was kind of overwhelmed on this trip by doubts and ambiguities in the companion relationship, and less aware of the sheer grace of having a relationship at all, and I wondered (sometimes aloud -- for which I should both apologize to Jim and Mary and thank them for being there, faithful companions every step of the way) if I could sustain the hope and faith necessary to keep going with this project. So today was a great day for the OT lesson to be "In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord... Whom shall I send, who will go for us? ... Here am I, send me." Self-doubt apparently goes way back, and scripture is a great place to find solidarity with the people of God.

So I came home and wrote a letter to the President of the United States about how things really are in Sudan, as I saw them, anyway, and I asked him to send Jack Danforth back to Sudan to help the Juba government make things go and to help the north and south implement the CPA faithfully. Archbishop Daniel Deng Bul has requested that the churches lobby their governments to intercede in Sudan now while there's still a chance -- now, before the 2011 referendum on secession vs. unity. You can read the archbishop's letter here: http://sudan.anglican.org/diplomaticappeal.php, and you can email President Obama here: http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact/ if you are so minded.

And I guess I will stick with the relationship with Lui and trust that God is there, in the place and in the relationship, even when beyond my perception.